Anger and Attitude

Maysen is truly challenging these days. I've always known there was an anger trait in the Shindley clan but I've always tied it to something. Dad always seemed angry - but he's had a hell of a road. Alcoholic father, major abuse, troubled childhood including abandonment, Vietnam draft and all that entails, marriage to mom - she got sick, and on and on. The guy hasn't had a very good streak of happiness.

Then there's me. I had a good childhood; mom and dad did what they could to always give us our wants. We had summer vacations, we had a stable household. But, mom was sick. She had MS and it was terrifying. She, herself, didn't accept the disease much so as kids we were screwed on getting any support and training on how to cope with any feelings that might arise. You know, feelings of fear, worry, confusion. Not to mention that any noise/stress made mom "worse" so eggs shells is what we walked on around our house (enter weight problem and isolation at the age of 10).

Anyway, I digress. Any anger issues I had/have I've tied to that kind of crap.

But Maysen!? He walks around here, at the age of 12 (going on 40) with the hugest chip on his shoulder. The world has wronged him!!! I can't think of one thing that he has to be angry or disgruntled about. When you ask him, he has no idea what you're talking about. It's just "him", like it always was a part of my dad. He doesn't get violent but the elongated sighs - the frustration in his voice - being mad all the time.

Then there's the constant noise/movement. He walks around talking in weird dialect. He can't just answer you normally - it'll have the volume of a wild hyena. There is no such thing as dead space when it comes to him - he will fill it with a grunt or "BRUH", which is tied to no conversation. Just something to fill the quiet.

I mentioned before how Mom used to always claim that MS was affected by noise/stress and I'm starting to think it was just something she thought. Because I don't have MS but I've got to tell you; these days I walk around like a cat on a hot tin roof. I hear the bus stop at the house and I have to mentally prepare for the whirlwind that is about to walk in the door.

"HIIIIII (octive lower) iiiiiiiiiiii. BRUH!" *immediately slamming the door shut, dropping jacket and backpack right where he entered* "LETS GO!!!!"

"Maysen, pick up your shoes and hang your stuff up."

"FRICK!!!!!" *slowly running his index finger down his cheek to imitate a tear falling while singing "Only Time" by Enya* "...Who can say where the road goes ...."

Another one - randomly "Tastes like chicken" (screeching on the word "chicken")

Then. To confuse me, he and I will go to Cottage Grove to run an errand and I can talk to him like he's a peer, almost. He's so mature. Gone are the voices, the grunts, the sounds of animals. Where is this kid most of the time and how do I summon him?

I've recently started giving him melatonin at night. I do this even at 9:00pm he is ramped up. I know he's tired - being amped up and tired only equal disaster. He'll sit in bed and stare at the ceiling, keeping Griffin awake.

I only want to document this frustrating time in Maysen's life because life isn't perfect. I capture his successes on here ... proud moments ... but realistically, there are challenges. I love this kid with all my heart. I live my life for these boys. So it kills me when he is ramped up and angry because that only makes me ramped up and angry. I don't want there to be a wedge between us. I try my hardest to understand him. At this point, though, I think he's trying his hardest to understand himself.